Clocks...

I feel like I have aged! 

Like a clock that begins to lose its shine, over time, 

its hands quivering, 

holding on to the past...

giving you a false sense of time on your hands, 

before that thing you always wanted to do is buried 

beneath a pile of things that needed to be done.

But...

PC - http://fantasyartworks.tumblr.com

Like a clock that begins to lose its shine, over time, 

its hands quivering, pausing time, at some time,

just for you to take notice...

knowing that with a little work and a little help, 

a quick replacement and a slight reset,

it would start again

and be as good as new - 

I know I could go on!

Mash'd ...

I'm not only the exterior you see...

The skin and bones all just make believe,

What hides within is a soul so light...

I could float or bloat or stand for hours upright.

I'm not only the red eyes you see...

The exhaustion, the pain just temporary deals,

What drives me daily isn't my job or what I drank...

I am the Titanic, the million dollar movie, not the boat that sank.

I'm not just the skinny man-child you see...

The witty shirt, slow walks all part of me,

What keeps me happy is none of your doing...

I could laugh and cry, all at once, without thinking.

I am my own darkness and my own light...

I am my own silence and my own fight,

I am mostly aloof but I am also involved...

I am a kid in phases, in phases evolved.

I am also my mind...my thoughts and my words...

I am all the unseen, I am all the unheard,

I am all that follows hereon...

and also all of the above. 

I am whimsy and I am flimsy...

I am complicated and I am clumsy,

I can be sassy and I can be a nerd

I can be the one movie you don't understand 

or the one shitty book you've all secretly read.

I am all the brains...

I am all the heart,

I am all the wit...

I am also the smarts.

I am the one who messed up...

And the one who paid a hefty price,

I am the one you probably hate...

And also the one you probably like.

I am my own being...

In no ways am i rehashed,

And yes I've spelt it wrong, but that's how...

I AM MASHD!

Old heart of mine...

It wasn't what it anticipated,

It was way more love than it deserved...

This old heart of mine was new back then,

And it wondered ... "What in the world!!"

It pumped blood for a living,

But wondered if it was the right job...

For so much of the love it received,

Was for everything else but blood.

It was joy when she smiled, 

It was pain when she shrugged...

It dreamt of growing old with her

Yet it listened to the head, 

Stupid head which said it must not...

It beat itself up for years, 

For that one day it let the head decide.

It beats itself now as well...

Seventy times a minute to be precise

It stops the blood to the brain now at times,

It was the brain which had done wrong...

But the heart grew older as the pain progressed,

The loud dubs dubs were slowly gone.

In guilt, it split itself one day...

Into four pieces the old heart fell,

Ventricles and aortas people called them...

But all pieces were just reminders of hell.

Attacks became a common occurrence,

These were part of the punishment it surmised...

Docs always considered these minor incidents,

And the old heart knew minors won't suffice.

The old heart beats now as it must,

but barely so it does...

Most nights now this old heart aches,

And most nights now this old heart breaks,
Rest of the time it silently pumps blood.

Always...

Some losses of the past,

have more than scarred her heart.

And with deep ambivalence

in the brown haze of her eyes,

She sadly gazes at the constellations, 

of love in the sky.

The sky learns to weep with her,

But she dances in the corridor.

With eyes closed, in memories of the person, 

who sings, along with the waves, for her.

They sing to the hymns of sadness

and also to those smiles at times,

Like some heart wrenching poem,

Like some heart warming song.

Even when the stars pay her a visit,

they bring along a person’s voice,

A voice that heals, A melancholy. 

They say, sing to her, and let her know, 

that you are always with her.

... and she hears him whisper... Always! 

What If...

http://www.instagram.com/iammashd

If the year we met in was a different one,
how different would things be....

If the what-ifs all came true, 
would it have been a different story? 

What if we would have just let the rain stop
and the howling winds pass us by,

Would life have gotten better? 
Would things have gotten steady?

What if we would just remember that song
and agree with what Jagger said...

That we can’t always get what we want. 
Would we have gotten what we need?

Would there have been a better you? 
Would there have been a better me?

Would there have been love? 
Would there have been a WE?

All questions unanswered, 
Just as they’re meant to be.
We stand here and look back at life.
Life and its million maybes!

...And to let go!

Flipping the pages of the year gone by,
I stumble across too many that catch my eye.
A year that has been a cocktail of emotions to say the least,
Of good times, of sorrow, of love and of grief.

Of pages with notes of love, Of pages of brutal mathematics,
Of pages where you just amused me, of pages of your crazy antics.
Of some pages that just withered away as time went by,
And some i could just rip off and still know I was right.

Of goals that I set out to meet,
Of a person that I wanted to be.
Of food and of places I never knew I'd go,
Of your hands in mine, of hearts, of bodies and of souls.

Of days I just woke up and crashed on the floor,
Of nights I could smile and sleep, I wish these were more.
Of the books I read and then some I wish I could read,
Of arguments I failed to settle, of sorry and of please.

Of smiles that I knew I could conjure for them,
Of tears that dried on their cheeks, of words full of haws and hems.
Of cheesecakes and coffee places, of grumpy faces and trial rooms,
Of empty lanes, Of crowded streets, Of talks of bliss and also of doom.

Of a place so new to me, yet so welcoming,
Of people so simple and yet so heartwarming.
Of tears I cried and those I brought to others too,
Of the smiles I soaked into and of jokes I could make a few.

Of office woes, of holiday blues, of double-deckers and candy crush,
Of frittatas and movies and superheroes and other such silly stuff.
Of those sad days and weeks and months, of my faults and of yours,
Of those fights I would rather avoid,  Of drifting away off course.

Of a thousand pictures, Of hundreds of moments, Of many kisses and hugs,
Of flashes, Of rides. Of warmth and of snug.
Of weekends I cherished, Of Mondays I'd rather stay buried,
Of songs we sang, and Of love we couldn't carry.

Of blank pages and star gazes, Of new faces and of new dreams...
Of a person I started the year with, of a person that ended it for me.
Of the small, the little and the tiniest happiness that I was dying to make my own...
Of the big, the largest and the hardest things I had to let go, I let them all go.

A beginning of the year so unknown to me. An end of the year so gloomy, so low...
A January that I'll always remember, A December I wish I could just let go.
A May that just went by, shook me and then changed everything,
An August of orchids and smiles I could only imagine.
A March that will always be missed and remembered...
An October I just wish had never occurred.

A year I hold on to so tight,
A year I wish I could just rewrite...
A year of pain, A year of love, A year of hurt and of dread.
2014 made me whole. 2014 broke me to shreds.

A new year now, same old me though,
With hopes to have learnt, with hopes to be better and to grow...
And I'll need you here with me, I always will,
To help me, To stand back up, To hold on to better things, and to let go!

If Life Could Go On...Just This Way!

If life could go on just this way,
Very few things I would never be able to change.
A vibe from the past we carry today,
Or even the good things that barely did stay.

Things like the oddly timed calls I've come to expect,
Or the fights that shatter my every breath.
All the moments and gestures that make my day,
Or words you struggle to genuinely say.
Nothing may ever change again,
If life could go on just this way.

But then life is not bound by scripts, they say.
No questions you ask can help ease the pain.
But when we understand and give up on the fight, 
And talk of every unspoken word from the previous night.
The If's and Why's become words that don't matter,
And You and I grow stronger together.

For, in a heartbeat, you know you are special.
But rhyming words don't always dazzle.
Funny how some things you hate always get to stay.
But most things in life we would never want to change,
You will always be loved and cared for, come what may.
If life could go on just this way! Our lives would go on just this way!!

No stranger...

A week long dull, of gloom and lull,
A coherent silence around...
Mounds of silt and flowers strewn,
And all I hear is the lonely hound.

Yes I've known, I've always known,
You've told me how it's gonna be.
And yet, in silence, i close my eyes,
Not to pray, no not now. Not to pray, but to see.

I walk down cold, I walk down slow,
I look ahead but stare into nowhere...
Is the road just as lost as this heart,
Or is it just dark? Or were you never there?

I sit in tears and  flip these pages now,
Contemplating if this would last...
With this gray sky, and an evening storm coming,
Will it rain, why would you even ask?

You are no stranger to me or my fears,
Nor to this silence, that I know you know so well...
I know I was never ideal to begin with,
But are you now distant? Would I ever know? Are you there? I can barely tell.

You've always mattered, you always will,
I don't know how this would end...
I wish you could see me for the good things, if any.
I wish you'd care for just once, care just enough to understand!

Through everything... and more...

Through all the calls i never make,

Courtesy - #Seewhatyoudlike-tumblr

all the texts i write in vain...
Through all the ways i hurt you babe,
all the time i am inane...
Just wanna let you know...I love you babe!


Through all the smiles i bring to you,
all the joy that now remains...
Through all the words i write for you,
all the words that i just don't say...
Just wanna say today...I will not change!


Through all the tears I've made you cry,
all the sighs and all the pain...
Through aching head and sleepless nights,
all the time I wronged the rights...                           Just won't let things fade...Will make things right!


I love you girl, i may not be loud,
I may not call, stay under bout...
I may seem selfish, there is no doubt,
I may fail promises, i am not proud...
Just wanna stay with you...Hold you throughout!


I text you late, i make you wait,
I answer calls but hang up in haste...
I make you wonder what's inside me,
I make you wonder why you like me...
Just wanna wonder with you...Know me, find me!


Through all this nonsense and hurt i give,
I want to ask you to have belief...
I care enough to not let you cry,
Won't always falter, i'll make you smile...
Just wanna smile with you...Forget the fights!


Through texts, and calls, and skype and KFCs,
Through notes, and pictures, and movies and CCDs...
Through train rides, strange flights, walks in lonely alleys,
Through rooms, and malls and errands daily...

Through this and that and everything and more...
I love you babe... Trust me, stay sure!

Hear me out...Sing Along!

Words written are always better than words spoken...

I hate conversations and that's at least what i used to believe,
There's no point in sitting for hours, with goofy eyes, sipping coffee...
Unless we talk and not just speak!

And then there are these words unspoken,
So much that i need to say, i wish you could hear...
For hours i could just sit across the table in silence,
Say nothing at all, i could just look at you, i could smile with no reason...

The distant dream that you are for me...
And i still nurture hopes, and wait for you,
As i cross your path everyday, look around and sneak a glance...
In hope, maybe just maybe, someday you'd see me...
You'd hear those words, someday you'd listen!

So far away that you are from me...
But you've never been as close as you are now to me
And there's still no point in talks, just talks
Unless i tell you this, cross fingers and hope you believe

I know i like you, and i'm glad it is you...
'Coz had it not been you, these goofy eyes, these coffee mugs,
this staring at someone with people noticing...
would look downright stupid...it would look embarrassing!

And there's still no point in all of this,
It's just another So So song i sing...
A song i love, and hum all day...
In hopes you hear this unsung song, Hear me out, sing along! :)

Not So Long Ago...Oh, So Long Ago!

Some places, some faces, some stupid tv shows,
Remind me of you, and us, and more...
Not so long ago...Oh, so long ago!

Some movies, some songs, some walks down the road,
Take me back to the moments we had...
Not so long ago...Oh, so long ago!

Some distances, some journeys, some highs, some lows,

They bring me to my knees, wet cheeks, eyes closed

Some flaws, some fights, some love we couldn't show,
And i regret and can't forget, been a while, i know

Morning calls, Late night texts, busy schedules, heavy notes
All emotions rolled into one now when i miss you,
I know you're not around...though it's hard to let go

The reasons we went away for, are all but a reason anymore,
And when i wake up to the winter mornings, i still wake up to your shadows.
Yet i know you've been gone, gone long since i knew love, knew you...

Not so long ago...Oh, so long ago!

Of coffee, gloom and wait...

Staring through my window, as it rains through this summer night,
I think of things that i wait for ... through this night, through this  life.

Some small, some smaller, some distant, some closer,
Some i can touch, some i dream of... through the smiles, through the cries.

They say i look gloomy, as I sip my coffee, they say i look unlike me,
Maybe it's just one of those days... one of those days when i am me and no more i can be.

Life spelt with the letters that also make flies, flies away one day at a time,
I sit back and wait for the rain to start again... to cheer me up, to bring me to life.

Simple things that i wait for... simple things that i pray for... I wait for them to now bless me,
Through the darkness, gloom and the pain...I wait for a way to see the glow, the light that lights me.

For those moments and those songs... I wait for you and them and more.
Through the darkness, muddle and the rain... I wait for the coffee, the warmth and the smile...

The days of despair are here...days of sun and nights of rain...good days of life, though late... of coffee, gloom and wait!

So little that you wanted...So much that i wasn't.

Looking at it, as it is, seems vaguely strange, vaguely known...
Gray-on-gray circles of smoke, dark, dull, gloom and yet i see you home.
If it's just the hope, it's dying a slow death...
With you gone, i don't feel the rain, don't see the sun.

What took me so long to realize what i did, as i did, seems so not me, yet so me...
When all that mattered was your presence, you let me be, i set you free.
Every morning now, all i do is yell your name, it's so not me, yet so me...
I live with you, have always been, my distant tale, my only story.

I look upon ways to reach you, to be with you, seems so not me, yet so me...
But I'm just a ghost of this road, on my own, counting ways and days to be.
All i need is you, you may have forgotten, you may still know...
Wishing for an end to this road, the one that takes me to you.. or you to me

Never knew, it took so much to fake those smiles, so not me, yet so me...
Never knew, to live again, every once in a while, i had to act like i didn't care.
Yes every night as i walk home, my eyes just well up, and i stand back, aware.
I am with you, and you're with me, but so much so, it's just untrue.

Maybe tomorrow, i would just live on, being without you, but not the same me.
Or maybe all i'll ever need is you, all i'll ever want is you,
It seems so little that we'd hoped for, so much that we'd known.
And i fail to answer why but...
"Seems so little that you wanted, so much that i wasn't"

Rediscovery

Days are cold, nights just getting longer,
I wanna live of hope. God, make me stronger...
The wind that blows, seemingly blows not for me,
It pours down heavily, the rains though fall not for me...

It certainly is me, and me that knows,
I would'nt have been here, had you not been so close...
If i push you know, i'm pushing myself too,
I might just fall of the edge, but i'll still be true..

Brain's so full of things, it just aches to let go,
But then let go of what, let go of what, i don't know...
It's true i don't claim everything i do is what i want,
But then what i want, what i want, i don't know...

I'm fighting my own guts, fighting to stay afloat,
I'm just in so deep, no one sees me, no one knows...
I know i've wasted time,  it's a little hard to begin,
But i know it's gonna be me, i'll fight till the end...

Have not lost faith, not in me at all,
Confused i may have been, it's not gonna make me fall...
I'll face myself, my wrongs, my dark,
I'll not back down, not from myself, no i'll not...

This confused me has gotta go, i'll be stronger than myself,
I'll find my way back, i promise, just don't let the past swell...
Walk with me as i bleed, but don't try to cure my pain,
It's my road to rediscovery, it's my road, all the same !!!

via Heartbeats . . .

Hands on my heart, eyes shut.
Dreaming of you. Smiling, via Heartbeats . . .
Cell phone in a hand,  waiting for your call.
Waiting for you. Sighing, via Heartbeats . . .

I see you next to me, no dream this time
You lie there holding my hand. . .
I tuck you in, i watch you sleep
I see your eyes flicker. Searching for me, via Heartbeats . . .

All looks bright when i wake up.
I see your shadow across the door . . .
See you shying away from me.
See you smiling as you move. Laughing, via Heartbeats . . .

I reach for you and touch your hand.
Seems like all the world's come down... come down to my heaven.
They wave at us, giggle around.
They touch us as we kiss. Blessing us , via Heartbeats . . .

We part, we meet, we fight, we repeat.
Can't wait for the life i want . . .
Can't wait for the nights i'll be with you . . .
Can't wait for the days to come.
No when, no why, just love in life . . .
Just me being good, you being better . . . you being by my side . . .

The beautiful life that makes us smile. Feeling you . . . via Heartbeats.
For now i sleep, i dream of you. Closer to you . . .  via Heartbeats.

Aaromale. . .

Wish i'd known more... seems difficult to comprehend.

The pain, the moments, the magic of it....

A string so fragile, strengthened over time, broken as well.

Wish i'd been stronger...could answer your when, how, where and why?

I fail to adapt, to learn, to improve...

In your love, from your questions, from your expectations, from your caring.

But when the rain comes down and i see your face trembling...

I could just hold you till the end of everything.

People seem estranged, as i lie under this saddened sky...

Head full of words, full of thoughts. Nothing more than just words, just thoughts.

Wish i could just go back to the wilderness, to my summer of wither...

Or wish i could see the future, wish i could see you there.

I say a few words, they go unheard... and i sit in silence, moments gone...

I'm left there saddened, and i wait for my turn.

But when i see you there, smiling or fuming...i see you there caring, or scolding...

I can wait all my life in silence.Can wait till the end of everything.

I make the same mistakes, i voice the same nonsense...

I know it hurts you somewhere, and i end up picking the pieces of the mess i made.

But when i hear your voice saying you love me, i feel blessed, feel glad...

I could love you till i end, could love you till the end of everything.

P.S. "Aaromale" translates to O Beloved ! 

Love, Hate and Repair ...

Not that tonight's any different,
me, you, this room and the lights on ...
Faint music playing in pretense,
me, you, this room and the lights on ...

Love this, hate this, can't get around it,
Love this, hate this, can't get beyond this...
Things i discard, i destroy...Wish i could just repair,
Love this, hate this... wish i could just repair...

Not that tomorrow's coming early,
me, you and a room so different ...
In silence we smile, we fight, we care,
me, you and a room so different ...

Love this, Hate this, can't live without it,
Love this, Hate this, can't grow without it...
Things i retain, I remember... stays within undisturbed,
Love this, Hate this... wish i could just repair...

Defines me now, wish it decided for me as well...
Always with me, Love, Hate and Repair ...
Me, you ... somewhere, surrounded by no one,

Love this, Hate this... Wish i could just repair...

Take Anything from Me . . .

I know you hate this fact,
Letting me be, a distant tale, a memory...
Surrounded by my void,
You stand there, patient but wary...
Wrong in my head, my mind,my words..
Night descends, and i cant sleep,
Hard to believe but i will be there...
Take Anything you want, anything from me...

I pretend, i lay low, i stand in misery...
I know i close all the time, i intend to reappear,
I can make my way out of here,
And you stand on the edge, all to disappear...
Dream Less, Talk less, Be less...
Not what i mean to be...
Hard to believe but i will be there...
Take Anything you want, anything from me...

Rid yourself of the nonchalance
Turn around, Walk away from me...
It happens all the time,
Understand and forget, forget the worst of me...
You may be right and i may never be..
Set yourself right, set yourself free...
Take anything you want, Take All of Me...

Will you be there tomorrow ??

This sun will be quite the same,
Nights will ever so quickly fade away...
Around me, life will go on, day in, day out,
While everything else survives and stays,
Will you be there tomorrow...


Through the sadness and joy,
through this heat and  rain...
With changing times, few things stay unchanged,
Of those precious few things that make life special,
Will you be there tomorrow...


Unseen, unheard, unread these lines,
Been days since i last felt this way ...
No Past, no future, no way to the back,
Will you turn my tomorrow, into this day today...
Of all the souls that smile and pray,
Will you be there tomorrow...



No grief, no sighs, but a dream of joy,
When i shift between this day and the last...
Will you be there to hold me when i falter,
to give me strength, to hold me together,
To be with me in smiles and sorrow...
When all back out, 
Will you be there tomorrow...

Move On ... Ahead...

All your secrets laugh at you when you sit there alone in silence. No thought can keep you warm when the cold you feel is enormous.You are almost scared to know that you're always on someone's mind.

Sometimes you lay there wondering if it matters at all, or is it just a thought that will drift away in time.  

Somedays you walk the lanes and think should you just be happy for you, or for them, or should you just pin yourself to the couch and get yourself to do what you were doing, what you've always been doing ...

Sometimes things stick to you and you feel happy, and then the glue dies out and you lay crying. Sometimes you sit there, all smiling and walk up to it, and then pluck it out and feel sorry. At times you just sit around and watch everything just falling.

Keeping yourself and everyone around happy... Wish that was easy.

When you cant give someone the happiness they deserve, you should not hold the power to take away any part of it.
Irony is, the more you want to keep them happy, the more you hold a power to hurt them. The more you sit and watch happiness, the more you're letting it fall.

Let life go on, the way it does, at the pace it does...Let it give you things you deserve, let it give you a chance to glow in the sunshine, let it get rid of the cold within you. Let life write it's story for you... Work towards a better you, work tirelessly for them. Give people as much as you can., as long as you can.

Let time take you where you are destined to. Falling and failing are no options. Gather courage, Move On ... Ahead... 

and as they say-

"If you cannot find the brighter side, polish the darker side"